Tips for men on Internet dating

May 12, 2010

Let me make one thing clear. I am not an advocate of Internet dating. Computers and romantic liaisons do not, in my opinion go hand in hand. Having said that, I am an open-minded bloke  and it is not that I have an aversion to meeting ladies in cyberspace. It is just that I have found them all to be …well … quite mad.

Put it this way. Women who are not mad were snapped up years ago. If they are not married, there is usually a good reason.

Some of course, could say the same of me, but mine is just a regrettable experience. I got married, unfortunately, to a very untidy woman with a passion for yoga and other hippy-like things. I didn’t find out until I’d walked down the aisle and signed on the dotted line. It’s amazing what women wait to reveal until the ring is on their finger. My wife also ate for quite possibly the first time in her life. She went from a size 8 to 16 in under six months. Anyway, it was the untidiness that, in the end, drove me to the brink of suicide. It was the hoarding of empty cat food cans that was the worse.

So, you see, I don’t fall in the same category as these singletons found on the Web. Back home up North, the last time I went,  they told me to stop mithering and find a new wife. They don’t realise how hard that is in London.

So, being a man of a certain age, I turned to the Internet.

The stories I have to tell are many, to be shared another time. But for those men who are new to the concept of dating online, here are some practical tips when it comes to the initial search:

– The fact that the lady in the photograph is in skiing or climbing attire does not mean that she is either fit or sporty. The majority of women have photographs taken either on the slopes or on the top of a hill. It means nothing. The photograph in question was probably taken circa 1995 on her one skiing holiday ever and is meant to make you think that she is slim and has firm thighs. Don’t believe it.
– Add a minimum of five years to the photograph. Most of the ladies I met looked nothing like the photograph. In fact, sometimes, nothing like the photograph at all. Not even a younger self, come to think of it.
– Tempting though it may be, avoid the blond hot shot lawyer who is 30 and never found the time to have a relationship. She wants babies. Unless you want babies too, of course. It is amazing how easily women can conceive and in what little time.
– If the woman has been married before, then there is probably something wrong with her. Avoid.
– Women who describe themselves are ‘bubbly’ are usually inclined to drink too much. Drinking can, on occasion, lead to embarrassing episodes of extreme friskiness and a frisky drunk lady (well, on a first date at least) is not, in my opinion, desirable.

So you see, this Internet dating malarkey is really not all the ads would have you believe.

For illustrative purposes , my first (and only) date with Lady X went a bit like this:

She: ‘I am looking for a man who is wants to spread joy.’

Me: ‘In what way?’

She: ‘Joy in the world, in the John and Ono way.’

Me: ‘Oh.’

She: ‘Spreading seeds of love.’

You see? Mad. John and Ono didn’t do gardening.

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