The trouble with cling-film

June 22, 2010

The trouble with cling-film is that you can’t use it in the oven because it melts.

I like things to be multi-purpose. All purpose multi-cleaner, for instance. Shower gel that doubles up as shampoo. The list is endless. I like value for money. It’s part of being Northern.

Anyway, as I was saying, the trouble with cling-film is that it is useless in the oven. I know, because I tried roasting a chicken in it once. I thought it would speed up the cooking process. Instead, it resulted in the fire alarm going off and the building being evacuated.

You hear of these girls who wrap themselves in cling-film and then sit in a sauna to speed up the slimming process. That’s what gave me the chicken idea. The Peacock wife used to spend hundreds of my pounds  for someone to wrap her in the stuff, only to then sit in a box that promised to sweat away her lumpy cellulite. I can’t say I noticed any difference in the size of her bottom. Still, being an optimist, I wondered if this cling-film fascination of hers might have been a slightly dodgy sexual fantasy that hadn’t made it into our bedroom.

When I suggested it, though (I was merely being receptive to the possibility she might want sex) she hit me and called me a dirty pervert. I never mentioned it again.

So anyway, having discovered that cling film is of no use when roasting chicken, I stuffed the box away at the back of the kitchen cupboard in a bit of a huff. I hate waste.

Until, the other morning, listening to the radio while having my shower, I heard about the bacteria that lurks in shower heads. I froze, half lathered in my three in one. Apparently,  every time I take a shower (and I like my showers, as you know), I am potentially breathing in harmful myco-bacterium something or other. The thought does not bear thinking about. I’m the bloke with the antibacterial hand-wash on the tube, so I have a bit of a germ phobia at the best of times. I don’t always concur with John Humphries in the mornings,  but he seemed to be taking this bacteria thing seriously. I switched off the shower and dried off, not bothering to rinse, lest more deadly germs escaped.

It did mean I found a use for the cling film, though.

My shower head is now wrapped in the stuff. Sometimes I havenightmares where little green bubbles float out of the shower and drift out of the bathroom and into my sleeping nostrils, but overall, I think the cling film has done the trick.

I just need to find bath foam that doubles up as shampoo now.

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