48 hour protection

November 18, 2011

Hopping TV channels the other night, I stumbled across the ads. Not difficult, because there are more ads on TV than there are programmes. As a marketing professional, I quite like ads. They give me ideas for my own pitches, if nothing else.  Anyway, there I was, switching between Coronation Street and BBC News 24 when I found my dream product.  48 hour deodorant.  According to this ad, I would be able to dash to the office in the morning, give presentations to a room full of men, work out at lunch time (managing to build up a sweat, that said), go out for dinner (looking glam)  and then snuggle up to my loved one, still smelling sweet and delicious at bedtime (okay, it’s an ad for a girl’s deodorant, but you get my drift). And then, even better, go and do it all again the next day – without so much as a glimpse at a bar of soap. How fabulous is that! 48 hour deodorant. Clearly the invention of the year.

I’m not a great fan of water, particularly in winter, so I went looking for it myself – only to find they don’t do it for men.  The girl at the chemist looked me up and down and wrinkled her pretty little nose as if I, well, smelt. “Men’s deodorants are over there,” she said dismissively.

When I was married, the peacock wife was keen on pushing me under the shower. Once in the morning (because I had perspired, apparently, during the night.. nothing to do with having had sex, can I please add), and again in the evening because it was better to be clean before getting under the covers (apparently).  Occasionally, on the occasions she did feel like a bit of nookie, she made me shower during sex (no blow job unless I’d had a good scrub with the loofah first). I was the cleanest man in Britain. When we split up, the first thing I did was reduce my carbon footprint. Fewer showers, save the world was my mantra.

Anyway, after a while things got a bit whiffy, so I decided that once a day did the trick.  To be honest, though, I’d rather stay dry for a full two days, hence my interest in 48 hour deodorant. I could buy the girls’ version, I suppose, but smelling of vanilla  and freesias is a bit odd when you’re a proper Northener. I am trying to convince the Boss that perhaps we could create our own brand and market that, but she looks at me oddly.

As if I smell.

I don’t, by the way.

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